2008

After a year off, I decided to make a new Drunk-O-Vision...

I have a new BT out.  Go buy it, please.

jeffrubinjeffrubin: FX has ordered fifty two new episodes of the criminally underrated It’s Always...

Just a thought

muchablog: Val Kilmer in Wonderland Streeter from College Humor It looks to me like Val is...

I hope you all can come to this.  Jeff and I have been...

Coffee Hits My Stomach

Stomach: OK, let's get some enzymes on that bread he ate last night. We should really start breaking it down.
Enzymes: Do we have to?
Stomach: Welllllll, I guess not. Maybe we can wait till after he eats lunch. I'm pretty tired, too.
Enzymes: Us too. We were up late working on those Buffalo wings from two nights ago and....
Coffee: OH YEAH, MOTHERF*CKERS!
Stomach: What the...
Coffee: ARE WE READY TO DIGEST SOME FOOD!?!?!?!
Enzymes: We were going to wait till...
Coffee: SUCK IT UP!!!!! LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Stomach: You're hurting me!
Coffee: SHUT IT, PUSSY! NOW GET THIS MOTHERF*CKING FOOD OUT-A-HERE!
Enzymes: It's not all digested yet. If we send it out it could rupture something.
Coffee: Do you hear that?
Stomach: Hear what?
Coffee: WEAKNESS!
Enzymes: That's not fair! We work down here all day and all night digesting this stuff. It's hard work, coffee. It takes time.
Coffee: BULLSH*T! I can do your whole workload in one minute!
Stomach: Yeah right.
Coffee: WATCH ME, PUSSIES!
Me: Ooh, I'll be right back honey. I have to, uh, take a shower.

Modern Bible

Jesus and the Leper, Mark 1:40-47…40 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and...

It was a good 4th of July

FOX News Gets Ugly

Find the joy in life.

Abstain, Child!

The problems with abstinence-only sex education - which the government funds - are numerous, but at...

CH Intern Jason Michaels’ latest CH article is great. ...

Ahead of His Time

Producer: William, we must speak with each other of this new play you've written.
Shakespeare: Ah, yes. My latest is the tale of a...
Producer: Yes...yes, the story is fine. More than fine, William. It's just that we at The Globe take issue with some of your word choices.
Shakespeare: Alas, my words are not a choice! My quill is the true scribe of this volume, I merely act as interpreter!
Producer: Right...right. Yet, we can't help but notice that numerous words in this play just aren't - how shall I put this tenderly - words. You've invented them, have you not?
Shakespeare: Someday, sir, these words will be as normal as a cloud in the sky or a rat in your stew!
Producer: Someday, perhaps. But not now. Listen, William, it wouldn't be such a problem if these words had a discernible meaning. But "lackluster", "impede", "tranquil"? I couldn't even begin to imagine what sort of intention lies therein.
Shakespeare: Sir, you're acting as a muddlelump! Simply read the words in context!
Producer: Have you lost your miggle, sir? To call me a muddlelump only serves to illustrate what a billyham you're behaving as.
Shakespeare: Billyham?! You sir, can count yourself lucky I am an honorable plebicanian or I would have your nose betwixt my two figglers. So help me God, I shall not be spoken to with such...such qual!
Producer: William, please calm yourself. If these kind of hannyhocks continue I fear this meeting will dissolve into fistifinks, and neither you nor I are the sort for that.
Shakespeare: You are correct, sir. I apologize. When my wenny is up I fear I can become a bit wonkish. But I appeal to you on bended knick, please allow the play to be staged with its original words in tact.
Producer: I just don't know, William. "Gloomy"? "Elbow?" "Advertising," for God's sake? You believe the audience will be able to ascertain your intended point?
Shakespeare: Certigishly.
Producer: Well, if you feel so strongly about it, I will let the play go on as written. But I fear for its reception, William. It may be many years before the populace at large understands an utterance such as "bandit."
Shakespeare: We shall see, shall we not? Good day to you, sir. Bestbigsby!
Producer: Bestbigsby, William.

jeffrubinjeffrubin: Update - I did not make the cut for World’s Dumbest Partiers. Streeter probably...

Nicotine vs Brain

Brain: These are bad for me.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: They're polluting my body.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: The simple fact is that I can live without them.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: I don't need...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: Yeah, but...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: I...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: Fine!
*smokes cigarette*
Brain: There. Now I'll just stop and...
Nicotine: Shut up.

Simplified Politics

The difference between Republicans and Democrats in social policy is as simple as this: Republicans...

The Asterisk and the I

It was three in the morning and Asterisk was sound asleep in his modest home.  In the darkness, his...

Top Chef fliming in NYC this summer

Thanks for drawing my cartoon, Kevin Crowe!

WINNER!  Stephanie is great, plain and simple.  There is a...

Honestly, I really don’t want to update my penis. ...

The Internet’s Patrick Cassels and I are going to Las...

Justice Must Be Served

Hi friends, I need some help with something. My parents have an old colonial house that...

Jeff and I LIVE!

jeffrubinjeffrubin: Tomorrow night, Streeter and myself return to the Rejection Show. We’ll be...

I have a bunch of new shirts out at BustedTees. Won’t...

Quick Tip

Hey College Kids, here’s a quick tip from yours truly.  When you go off to college and your...

“Oh no, I don’t read the blogs – you couldn’t pay me to read...”
— Lisa Fernandes of Top Chef...

LOL

Oh Man, We Got An Illustrator II

Summer In The City

Winter has passed, the coldness is doneAnother spring over and summer’s begunKids on the street and...

Zach?

My Blackberry Died

Oh well.  No love lost for that thing.  However, this also means I have no phone for the time...

The Sad Business of Comedy on the Web

adamfrucci: “The owner of the popular Madison Square Park...

LOL.  A number of things in this make me laugh, not least of...

Yesterday was amazing. I went to the set of Ricky...

Happy Anniversary To Me

Today marks the three-year anniversary of my employment at CollegeHumor.  To celebrate this...

After a certain amount of time on hold, you can’t...

Rejected BT.  Probably for good reason, too.  I still think...

Craig Newmark’s dorm whiteboard. Digg it if you like...

I wanted to post this as text but Tumblr ate all the code...

Going A'Cabin-ing

I’m very excited for this weekend. I’ve rented a little cabin in the Berkshires with no...

caitlinoppermann: pile: Lamebook! After challenging us...

Truth in Website Logos

Hey! I have a new BustedTee out. This was, admittedly, a...

Dressed for an upcoming CHTV video called ‘Font...

Go Read This: Bill Bryson's "Made In...

My favorite writer of all time is a man named BIll Bryson. His two most popular books, at least...

I don’t know how to take a nice picture so I always...

a/s/l?

I’m hosting a chat on WashingtonPost.com tomorrow and I’m really excited.  I did a...

rickyv: Ready, Set… Ricky, Sharon and I rode together.  5...

Needed: Cabin

I’m looking to go away from May 16 - 18 to do some writing.  I’d like to get a cabin...

sarahschneider: jeffrubinjeffrubin: CollegeHumor All Nighter is underway. Tune in and watch our...

American Apparel

I went shopping today for all new clothes and one of my stops was at American Apparel.  Now,...

An Ode To An Unknowing Samaritan

Where is a Starbucks?Have you seen a cafe?How am I without Internet today?What a terrible feeling!So...

A Great Revelation

Drunk people are a lot like dogs: they’re loud, excitable, aggresive, horny, frequently...

What Did Alexander The Great look Like?

BustedTees Sale

It’s the big Midnight Madness sale over at BustedTees. Every shirt is $12, including this...

Complaint #200

whitewhine: Here they are, my favorite whines of the past 199 posts. I want to thank everyone who...

The Dinosaur Soothsayer

Nostrasaurus: I see terrible things in your future.
Dinosaur: What?! Tell me!
Nostrasaurus: I see your skeleton assembled in a large room. There are little creatures - humans, they're called - and they're interested in your skeleton. They're all looking at it and talking about it.
Dinosaur: That's horrible! What kind of beasts would do such a thing?! It is one thing to kill for food, but to kill just to stare upon the bones of the victim? That's brutality!
Nostrasaurus: Oh no, they have not killed you. But they've found your bones buried deep in the ground, extracted them and put them on display for their whole species to observe.
Dinosaur: This...this is terrible news. Is there a way I can kill them first so I might avoid this horrible future?
Nostrasaurus: No. I'm afraid not.
Dinosaur: I...I don't know what to say. I feel so...so helpless.
Nostrasaurus: Wait...I'm getting something...oh...OH! A vision!
Dinosaur: What is it? Will I have my revenge on these creatures?
Nostrasaurus: YES! Because of us - all of us, from the smallest creature in the sea to the largest beasts on the land - they will bring untold harm upon themselves!
Dinosaur: Tell me more!
Nostrasaurus: They will kill each other over us! We will be the cause of their wars and the root of their deepest problems. We will plague them, we will destroy their world and their bodies but they will not be able to purge themselves of our influence.
Dinosaur: This is wonderful news! What must we do?
Nostrasaurus: We must die. Then we must sink into the ground, experience untold eons of heat and pressure before turning into a flammable, black liquid.
Dinosaur: ...Oh. So the dying is part of it?
Nostrasaurus: Yup.
Dinosaur: Huh. Well, as long they won't put my bones on display.
Nostrasaurus: No, they're still going to do that.
Dinosaur: Oh...so we still have to die, then they'll kill each other and they'll still put our bones on display?
Nostrasaurus: Correct.
Dinosaur: Doesn't seem to be an upside, huh?
Nostrasaurus: I guess not.
...
Dinosaur: I wish I had bigger arms.
Nostrasaurus: I KNOW, right?!

Coverbox.Muxtape.com

I wrote an article

Regarding the post below

I don’t like to call people out on stealing stuff because 1) I feel bad about it and 2)...

Is it so hard to let people know you...

Computer: Monitor, display this document, O.K.?
Monitor: No prob, boss.
Computer: O.K., now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?
Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.
Computer: Great, great. O.K., Mouse, where are you going now?
Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.
Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, O.K.?
Mouse: Of course.
Keyboard: Sir, he’s pressed control and P simultaneously.
Monitor: Oh God, here we go.
Computer: (Sighs) Printer, are you there?
Printer: No.
Computer: Please, Printer. I know you’re there.
Printer: NO! I’m not here! Leave me alone!
Computer: Jesus. O.K. look, you really ne…
Mouse: Sir, he’s clicked on the printer icon.
Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.
Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don’t want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I’m turning off!
Computer: Printer, you know you can’t turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we’ll leave you alone.
Printer: NO! That’s what you always say! I hate you! I’m out of ink!
Computer: You’re not out of in…
Printer: I’M OUT OF INK!
Computer: (Sighs) Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.
Monitor: But sir, he has plen…
Computer: Just do it, damn it!
Monitor: Yes sir.
Keyboard: AHHH! He’s hitting me!
Computer: Stay calm, he’ll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.
Keyboard: He’s pressing everything. I don’t know, he’s just pressing everything!
Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you’ve done?!
Printer: HA! that’s what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he…hey…HEY! He’s trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He’s torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please, please help me!
Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?
Computer: No. He did this to himself.

Youngme, Nowme - Zefrank

“You’re not bad looking for an assassin. Go blow em...”
— Crazy health-conscious...

NakedWorldRecords (Nudity, Obviously)

Watch Fuse Tonight At 6

Why?   Because I’ll be on it at some point during that hour, talking about funny internet...

sarahschneider: Most of the time I love CollegeHumor users....

SubwayCrush.com

BustedPosters.com? Yup!

Big Things, People! Big Things.

Hardly Working: Phone Fight - Lots of fun to shoot, even though I “look like (I) have the...

Internal Debate

Ohhhhh YEAH! I’ve been bugging the people at...

I’ve spent much of the last two weekends in makeup...

The One Day Warrior

This morning I was in a great mood. I had woken up at 5:40 and gone to the gym with Kunal. We...

My favorite CH picture in a long time. 

Taxicab Confession

A few months ago there was a taxi strike in New York because the New York Taxi Workers Alliance was...

History's My Hobby - Get Your Own

Anybody care to weigh in?

Sometimes people email me with strange requests… Streeter I got a problem’s and nothings...

Jon Gabrus started a Tumblr

7 Cinematic Sub-Sub-Genres

Listen

“You can take a one-note character and write a symphony.”
— -Bossman Ricky Van...

Had to shave off my beard for a gig. Despite my smile,...

Caught a funny ad while on SouthParkStudios.com. Full size...

The Phantom of the Facebook Fan Group

I’ve never had the pleasure of having a fan club before. And I still don’t. However,...

When Life Gives You Lemons...

…You paint them gold, put them in an envelope and send them to me. Well, that’s what...

Halftroduction

Halftroduction: The act of introducing one party to another simply to learn the latter’s...

Needed: News Tumblr

Will somone either point me to or make a tumblr that just posts little news bits throughout the...

Great News!

My hair is now long enough to do this! I swore a few months back not to cut my hair for a full year...

I don’t hold online advertisers to very high...

Hello There

After holding out as long as I could I felt a complulsion to move my blog over to the warm embrace...

Here’s my latest from LaughLines. I think I’ll repost them here so my blog...

I like My Job

Why? Because we get to shoot MTV pilots during the day. And then we get to post videos I wrote. ...

Best. Hate Mail. Ever.

I received this amazing piece of hate mail as a result of this article I wrote about bass...

History In The Making

I really like history. I also really like writing funny stuff. But best of all I like when these...

Call Him The Tumbling Dice

Jake just moved his blog over to Tumblr and, although I disdain the hyperblogging it inspires, it...

Lost

Man, Lost is awesome this season. It gets even better when you read this time loop theory. Each...

Crazy Night

Pat and I have been doing this bit at work for a few weeks. Last week we decided to film...

The Falcon's Musical Mastery

Over the Summer I had what I thought was a very funny idea. I went over to one of our interns at...

Connecticutians Unite!

I have a little hometown proud article over at MentalFloss.com about things that were invented in my...

The Wit Of Jon Gabrus

My friend Jon Gabrus came over for dinner the