Streeter Seidell

I'm Streeter. I edit the front page of CollegeHumor.com.

You can find me online at these places: You can email me at Streeter.Seidell [at] Gmail.com

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Find the joy in life.
Find the joy in life.

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Abstain, Child!

The problems with abstinence-only sex education - which the government funds - are numerous, but at the core there’s really just one major flaw: you’re trying to teach it to humans.  Horny teenage humans, at that.

You can teach people a lot of things, but trying to scare, guilt or otherwise persuade them to not have sex with each other is simply impossible.  How do I know?  I exist, along with with everyone else.  Sex always wins.

I don’t understand what’s so difficult or embarrassing (or dangerous) about teaching the truth?  That sex is fantastic, but brings with it some consequences and, if you choose to have sex, you need to prepare to accept those consequences or protect yourself.  Is that so damaging to our moral fiber?  The truth?  They taught us the straight facts at my middle school and who knows how many pregnancies or STDs were adverted because of it.

I say this now because I read an article last week which stated that more than half the states have withdrawn from the federal Abstinence-Only sex education initiative, turning a cold shoulder on over $50 million from the federal government.  For the first time in I don’t know how long, I thought, “Wow, the people in charge are doing something logical and not letting pressure from the religious right get in the way.”  Teaching that abstaining from sex is the best way to stay safe is like teaching that eating nothing at all is the best way to lose weight: true, of course, but dangerously unrealistic.

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CH Intern Jason Michaels’ latest CH article is great.  “7 Sites Re-Done, If Girls Ruled the Internet Instead of Boys.”
Digg it if you like it.

CH Intern Jason Michaels’ latest CH article is great.  “7 Sites Re-Done, If Girls Ruled the Internet Instead of Boys.”

Digg it if you like it.

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When Pat tells me to do something, I do it.

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Ahead of His Time

  • Producer: William, we must speak with each other of this new play you've written.
  • Shakespeare: Ah, yes. My latest is the tale of a...
  • Producer: Yes...yes, the story is fine. More than fine, William. It's just that we at The Globe take issue with some of your word choices.
  • Shakespeare: Alas, my words are not a choice! My quill is the true scribe of this volume, I merely act as interpreter!
  • Producer: Right...right. Yet, we can't help but notice that numerous words in this play just aren't - how shall I put this tenderly - words. You've invented them, have you not?
  • Shakespeare: Someday, sir, these words will be as normal as a cloud in the sky or a rat in your stew!
  • Producer: Someday, perhaps. But not now. Listen, William, it wouldn't be such a problem if these words had a discernible meaning. But "lackluster", "impede", "tranquil"? I couldn't even begin to imagine what sort of intention lies therein.
  • Shakespeare: Sir, you're acting as a muddlelump! Simply read the words in context!
  • Producer: Have you lost your miggle, sir? To call me a muddlelump only serves to illustrate what a billyham you're behaving as.
  • Shakespeare: Billyham?! You sir, can count yourself lucky I am an honorable plebicanian or I would have your nose betwixt my two figglers. So help me God, I shall not be spoken to with such...such qual!
  • Producer: William, please calm yourself. If these kind of hannyhocks continue I fear this meeting will dissolve into fistifinks, and neither you nor I are the sort for that.
  • Shakespeare: You are correct, sir. I apologize. When my wenny is up I fear I can become a bit wonkish. But I appeal to you on bended knick, please allow the play to be staged with its original words in tact.
  • Producer: I just don't know, William. "Gloomy"? "Elbow?" "Advertising," for God's sake? You believe the audience will be able to ascertain your intended point?
  • Shakespeare: Certigishly.
  • Producer: Well, if you feel so strongly about it, I will let the play go on as written. But I fear for its reception, William. It may be many years before the populace at large understands an utterance such as "bandit."
  • Shakespeare: We shall see, shall we not? Good day to you, sir. Bestbigsby!
  • Producer: Bestbigsby, William.

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jeffrubinjeffrubin:

Update - I did not make the cut for World’s Dumbest Partiers. Streeter probably won’t admit it, but he appears briefly (although you might be confused because they spelled his last name wrong). Todd Bridges and Danny Bonaduche show up several times.

I did make a brief appearance sandwiched between Bonaduche and Bridges I think.  Also, they most certainly did spell my last name wrong (“Siedell”).  Thanks?

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Nicotine vs Brain

  • Brain: These are bad for me.
  • Nicotine: Shut up.
  • Brain: They're polluting my body.
  • Nicotine: Shut up.
  • Brain: The simple fact is that I can live without them.
  • Nicotine: Shut up.
  • Brain: I don't need...
  • Nicotine: Shut up.
  • Brain: Yeah, but...
  • Nicotine: Shut up.
  • Brain: I...
  • Nicotine: Shut up.
  • Brain: Fine!
  • *smokes cigarette*
  • Brain: There. Now I'll just stop and...
  • Nicotine: Shut up.

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Simplified Politics

The difference between Republicans and Democrats in social policy is as simple as this: Republicans want to choose how you live your life, Democrats want you to live your life how you choose.

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The Asterisk and the I

It was three in the morning and Asterisk was sound asleep in his modest home.  In the darkness, his phone jolted to life, ringing and vibrating loudly on his nightstand.  Asterisk’s eyes snapped open as this cacophonous symphony wrenched him from sleep.  Reluctantly, he felt around the nightstand and picked up.  “Hello?” he grumbled.

“You gotta help me, man,” pleaded the voice on the other line.

“I’m sorry, who is this?” Asterisk asked.  It was late and the voice was unfamiliar.

“It’s I.  You know, the letter,” said the voice.  He hadn’t heard from I in a long time.  They had once been close, but that was long ago.  I, being a proper letter, had always kept Asterisk at a distance. And as much as Asterisk yearned to be a letter in his younger years, he had lived a happy enough life with his fellow glyphs.

“It’s three in the morning, I.” Asterisk said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and flicking on a light.

“I know, I’m sorry,” I said, “but I didn’t know where else to turn.  I called Dash and he didn’t pick up.  I tried At Symbol, Exclamation Point, Ampersand, all of them. I even called Space, but it’s like he’s not even there.  Believe me, man, I didn’t want to bring you into this.  I…I just…”

“No, no.  I’m happy to help.  Do you need a footnote or something?  Did you try the Superscripts?”

“It’s not that,” I said.  “I wish it were that,” he added with a touch of remorse.

“Oh, do you need me to add emphasis?  Is Italic not around or something?”

“No…no. It’s uh…” I paused.  Asterisk could hear him take a deep breath, as if the air gave him courage for what was to come next.  “I need you to get in the middle of something bad for me, man.  I just can’t be seen here, not like that, at least.  I’m so sorry.”

It was silent as Asterisk slowly hung up the phone.  I may have said goodbye, Asterisk has stopped listening.

“Sh*t.”

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