I just found this old humor piece I was writing for the NYT. I don’t remember why they didn’t want it but I thought it was pretty funny. Enjoy? Hopefully!
The Death of Newspapers? I Think Not.
Much has been made in the media lately about the death of the newspaper. At first glance, it’s hard to argue against the statistics: circulation in the US has fallen 5% in the last five years, newspaper staff have been being laid off in record numbers and increasingly the younger generation is getting its news from online outlets. However, is the written word dead? Some say yes, but those who disagree say we’re merely witnessing a slight shift.
“They say newspapers and print are dead. Well, I just don’t see it,” said World Associated Newspapers president, Timothy Balding. “We just need to explore new revenue streams and get creative about how advertisers reach our readers,” continued Balding while sipping a delicious Starbucks ™ doubleshot beverage, available for $1.50 with a copy of this article at participating Starbucks ™ locations and fine grocery stores.
Television and Internet content providers have managed to weather the economic downturn thus far by offering increasingly lucrative product placements, a model some papers are exploring. “We’ve had to adapt as well,” said Mark Gihuley, a producer for ABC Family (Don’t miss Roommates, a hilarious new sitcom only on ABC Family, Wednesday nights at 10/9 central), “You have to be able to roll with the punches.”
Newspapers have been heralded as the most tangible expression of democracy (See the birth of our democracy at Colonial Williamsburg – Buy a Family Pass before April 1st and receive reduced admission to Busch Gardens theme park), but will past glories sustain an increasingly out of date business model?
Optimists argue that a drop in circulation is merely a signal that newspaper readers are becoming more refined, educated and metropolitan, much like travelers who stay at Ramada Inns (Ramada Inns – Feel Like A Million Bucks).
Even online newspaper readers are more educated according to some data. “Consumers who read newspapers on the Internet are well-educated, for sure,” said Thomas Murphy, an analyst citing a Pew Institute study. According to the study, 44% of college graduates read an online paper every day, compared with 11% of those with a high school education or less.” Now you can join them! Get your bachelor or associate’s degree in as little as 18 months and from home. Visit WWW.PheonicUniversity.com for details.
