Best. Hate Mail. Ever.
I received this amazing piece of hate mail as a result of this article I wrote about bass players.
Let me tell you something, Streeter “Seidell”. You think your little b*tch ass article about bass guitar was funny? Let’s see you try and put so much time and effort into playing a beautiful instrument such as that! You’ve never known the hardships of playing in a band. How about you just stick to writing gay-ass articles on this site, “Seidell”, and quit raggin’ on people who play bass guitar. I happen to live near NYC, so if you want a piece of me, wanna talk trash about an istrument that MANY PEOPLE LOVE, then you name a time and place. I want a PUBLIC apology on this website, saying that you are sorry about dissing bass guitarists. You crossed the line, cum boy.
Now, I get a bunch of hate mail, but this one really stood out for a myriad of reasons. Let’s take a look.
- 1. Quotations around my last name, implying that I made it up. Amazing. Of my first and my last names, which one most sounds made up? Probably Streeter, right? Not to this dude.
- 2. The “i” in “bitch” being replaced by an “*.” Now, we do that with curses on the front page of CollegeHumor because advertisers need a clean area, but this was a private email. He has no problem with the word “ass” either, which directly followed it.
- 3. Declaring “You’ve never known the hardships of playing in a band.” Oh, really? I suppose I imagined the numerous bands I’ve played in over the years as a drummer. Where would I - why would I, come to that - have garnered the knowledge to rag on bass players if I hadn’t played in bands?
- 4. Threatening to fight me is always funny, doing it over an article about bass guitar is even funnier.
- 5. The all caps emphasis on “MANY PEOPLE LOVE.” I don’t feel I need to expound on what makes this funny, except to say that I keep picturing a scene in which I’m shocked to find out people like the bass. “What?!” I scream as I read the latest Bass and the American Public Opinion poll results. “Since when do people like the bass?!”
- 6. Declaring the line crossed. Even if he didn’t like them, he was OK will all my previous making-fun-of-bass-player articles. Not this one, though; this one is so offensive, so insulting to bass players that my right to the free speech should be revoked at once.
- 7. Calling me “cum boy.” Only a great literary mind such as his could end an eloquent, melodic tirade with such a poignant, pointed barb. What steely blade of an insult will he next unsheathe, “fag ass”? “douche nozzle”?
- 8. Never saying he plays bass. For all I know, this guy has never picked up a bass in his life. He could just be a rabid fan of bass players and fearless defender of their merit and worth. That would make my year.
If this is real it is an amazing piece of hate mail. If it’s fake and written as a joke, it’s almost as funny. Either way it made my morning and I hope you’ve enjoyed it.
UPDATE: Some genius sent me this fake hate mail in response to this article.
Dear Sir,
Let me tell you something , Mr. Streeter “Seidell”. You think your foolish horse trollop of an article about the great Penny Farthing, one of the greatest inventions of this era, was quite chuckle worthy? Let’s see you try and put so much time and effort into riding such a delightful and graceful vehicle of transportation such as that! You’ve never known the hardships of riding such a vehicle through the countryside, it does not come with ease. I believe your time would be better spent on pursuits such as mending fences or tending to your farm side. “Seidell”, and quit publishing this ragged despicable deplorable trash in my electronic post on the great gentlemen who ride the penny farthing. I happen to reside near you and I don’t mean to hash any unpleasant cogitations, but if you are so inclined and would like to settle this like gentlemen in a gentlemens fisticuffs, if you would like to spread your slanderous trash about a mode of transport that MANY FINE GENTLEMEN TAKE GREAT JOY IN, then you name a time and place and I shall give your backside quite a thrashing. I want a gentlemens apology on this electronic website of demonry, saying that you are sorry about insulting such a fine invention. You crossed the line, you flat footed fellow one more and you’ll regret see, cum boy.
Regards,
Charles Merryweather
March 10th, 1864
