Streeter Seidell

After a year off, I decided to make a new Drunk-O-Vision with...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:42:01 -0400

After a year off, I decided to make a new Drunk-O-Vision with the help of very talented illustrator, Caldwell Tanner. Digg it if you dig it.

I have a new BT out. Go buy it, please.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:47:17 -0400

I have a new BT out. Go buy it, please.

She’s back.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:38:07 -0400

She’s back.

jeffrubinjeffrubin: FX has ordered fifty two new episodes of the criminally underrated It’s Always...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:25:52 -0400

jeffrubinjeffrubin:

FX has ordered fifty two new episodes of the criminally underrated It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. There will be 13 episodes in the coming-soon fourth season, and then 39 past that.

(source)

Hells yes. If you’re not watching this show yet, I beg you to please tune in every week. Please?

Just a thought

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 11:21:35 -0400

muchablog:

Val Kilmer in Wonderland

Streeter from College Humor

It looks to me like Val is Streeter on coke.

I’ll take it.

I hope you all can come to this. Jeff and I have been wanting...

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:16:47 -0400

I hope you all can come to this. Jeff and I have been wanting to put on a live show for quite some time and the UCB was cool enough to make the dream come true. In addition to Jeff and I doing whatever we do (we haven’t quite finished planning our bit) we’ve got three killer comedians - Pete Holmes, Jacqueline Novak and Christian Finnegan - and a spot from Jake and Amir. If you’re one of the first 100 people through the door, Uncle CollegeHumor will comp your ticket, too! Yay.

Reserve your tickets at ucbtheatre.com

Coldpay’s Drummer Has Something To Say

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:24:00 -0400

Coldpay’s Drummer Has Something To Say

Coffee Hits My Stomach

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 23:24:06 -0400

Stomach: OK, let's get some enzymes on that bread he ate last night. We should really start breaking it down.
Enzymes: Do we have to?
Stomach: Welllllll, I guess not. Maybe we can wait till after he eats lunch. I'm pretty tired, too.
Enzymes: Us too. We were up late working on those Buffalo wings from two nights ago and....
Coffee: OH YEAH, MOTHERF*CKERS!
Stomach: What the...
Coffee: ARE WE READY TO DIGEST SOME FOOD!?!?!?!
Enzymes: We were going to wait till...
Coffee: SUCK IT UP!!!!! LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Stomach: You're hurting me!
Coffee: SHUT IT, PUSSY! NOW GET THIS MOTHERF*CKING FOOD OUT-A-HERE!
Enzymes: It's not all digested yet. If we send it out it could rupture something.
Coffee: Do you hear that?
Stomach: Hear what?
Coffee: WEAKNESS!
Enzymes: That's not fair! We work down here all day and all night digesting this stuff. It's hard work, coffee. It takes time.
Coffee: BULLSH*T! I can do your whole workload in one minute!
Stomach: Yeah right.
Coffee: WATCH ME, PUSSIES!

Me: Ooh, I'll be right back honey. I have to, uh, take a shower.

Modern Bible

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 23:35:28 -0400

Jesus and the Leper, Mark 1:40-47
…40 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, if though wilt, thou canst make me clean. 41 And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and saith unto him, I will; dost thou have insurance? 42 And the leper saith unto him, Yes. I have Empire Blue Cross. 43 And Jesus asked of the leper, Dost thou have the PPO or the HMO? 44 And the leper saith unto him, I have the HMO. 45 And Jesus saith unto him, I am sorry, my child, but heal you I cannot, for I only accept Empire Blue Cross’ PPO plan. 46 And the leper wept, but Jesus saith unto him, Perhaps another messiah will be along who accepts your plan. 47 And he sent the leper away from him.

Jesus Enters Jerusalem, Matthew 21:10-21
10 When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, “Who is this?” 11The crowds answered, “This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee.” 12 And the soldier at the gate saith unto him, Halt, for thy needeth the proper scrolls to enter into the city. 13 And Jesus felt along his robe and professed, Good soldier, I cannot believe this but I fear I have misplaced my scroll at this time. But, I assure you I am the Nazarethian for whom the crowd cries. 14 The soldier saith unto him, I believe you but I am under orders to collect scrolls from all who enter this city. 15 Jesus protested but the soldier could not be persuaded to stand down. 16 And the soldier saith unto Jesus, You should never leave your village without your scroll. 17 And Jesus saith back unto him, I swear upon my Father, I did not. 18 And then Jesus asked how long until a new scroll could be prepared for him. 19 And the soldier saith unto him, Six to eight weeks, as the cock crows. 20 Then Jesus shook his head and saith unto himself, Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. 21 And he rode back into the desert from whence he came, shaking his head still.

The Last Supper, Luke 22:17-29
…17 And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he said, Take this, and divide it among yourselves. 18 And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me. 19 And none among them took of the bread. 20 And Jesus saith unto them, Why dost thou not eat the bread which hath become my body? 21 And the disciples were silent, until Luke saith unto Jesus, Lord, we canst eat thine body for love of our own. 22 And Jesus saith unto him, Luke, I am the light and the world and love itself. 23 And Luke saith back, Lord, the bread maketh my body wide and slow. 24 And Peter saith to Jesus, the bread turns into fat which ringeth the midsection. 25 And Jesus asked if all the disciples would do as Luke and Peter and they saith, Yes. 26 And so Jesus asked of them if they would drinketh of his blood. 27 And Luke asked the Lord if thine blood was of the white or red grape. 28 And Jesus saith, Red. 29 And Luke told him that juice of the red grape be permitted after thy first two weeks on South Beach, but that, for Jesus, he would cheat and drinketh the wine now.

It was a good 4th of July

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 18:10:01 -0400

It was a good 4th of July

FOX News Gets Ugly

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:24:18 -0400

FOX News Gets Ugly:

pile:

(via duplo)

I love this so much

What a witty, well-crafted barb! To make the Jewish reporter’s nose bigger…simply inspiring stuff! We should all be so lucky to possess even a fraction of the comic intuition these two have. I hope there is room for two more at the Algonquin Round table.

But enough joking around at the expense of real journalists, Fox News. You’ve got to get back to your job of brainwashing our nation’s idiots.

Find the joy in life.

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:34:22 -0400

Find the joy in life.

Abstain, Child!

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:36:00 -0400

The problems with abstinence-only sex education - which the government funds - are numerous, but at the core there’s really just one major flaw: you’re trying to teach it to humans. Horny teenage humans, at that.

You can teach people a lot of things, but trying to scare, guilt or otherwise persuade them to not have sex with each other is simply impossible. How do I know? I exist, along with with everyone else. Sex always wins.

I don’t understand what’s so difficult or embarrassing (or dangerous) about teaching the truth? That sex is fantastic, but brings with it some consequences and, if you choose to have sex, you need to prepare to accept those consequences or protect yourself. Is that so damaging to our moral fiber? The truth? They taught us the straight facts at my middle school and who knows how many pregnancies or STDs were adverted because of it.

I say this now because I read an article last week which stated that more than half the states have withdrawn from the federal Abstinence-Only sex education initiative, turning a cold shoulder on over $50 million from the federal government. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I thought, “Wow, the people in charge are doing something logical and not letting pressure from the religious right get in the way.” Teaching that abstaining from sex is the best way to stay safe is like teaching that eating nothing at all is the best way to lose weight: true, of course, but dangerously unrealistic.

CH Intern Jason Michaels’ latest CH article is great. ...

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:25:13 -0400

CH Intern Jason Michaels’ latest CH article is great. “7 Sites Re-Done, If Girls Ruled the Internet Instead of Boys.”

Digg it if you like it.

When Pat tells me to do something, I do it.

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:28:23 -0400

When Pat tells me to do something, I do it.

Ahead of His Time

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 14:54:19 -0400

Producer: William, we must speak with each other of this new play you've written.

Shakespeare: Ah, yes. My latest is the tale of a...

Producer: Yes...yes, the story is fine. More than fine, William. It's just that we at The Globe take issue with some of your word choices.

Shakespeare: Alas, my words are not a choice! My quill is the true scribe of this volume, I merely act as interpreter!

Producer: Right...right. Yet, we can't help but notice that numerous words in this play just aren't - how shall I put this tenderly - words. You've invented them, have you not?

Shakespeare: Someday, sir, these words will be as normal as a cloud in the sky or a rat in your stew!

Producer: Someday, perhaps. But not now. Listen, William, it wouldn't be such a problem if these words had a discernible meaning. But "lackluster", "impede", "tranquil"? I couldn't even begin to imagine what sort of intention lies therein.

Shakespeare: Sir, you're acting as a muddlelump! Simply read the words in context!

Producer: Have you lost your miggle, sir? To call me a muddlelump only serves to illustrate what a billyham you're behaving as.

Shakespeare: Billyham?! You sir, can count yourself lucky I am an honorable plebicanian or I would have your nose betwixt my two figglers. So help me God, I shall not be spoken to with such...such qual!

Producer: William, please calm yourself. If these kind of hannyhocks continue I fear this meeting will dissolve into fistifinks, and neither you nor I are the sort for that.

Shakespeare: You are correct, sir. I apologize. When my wenny is up I fear I can become a bit wonkish. But I appeal to you on bended knick, please allow the play to be staged with its original words in tact.

Producer: I just don't know, William. "Gloomy"? "Elbow?" "Advertising," for God's sake? You believe the audience will be able to ascertain your intended point?

Shakespeare: Certigishly.

Producer: Well, if you feel so strongly about it, I will let the play go on as written. But I fear for its reception, William. It may be many years before the populace at large understands an utterance such as "bandit."

Shakespeare: We shall see, shall we not? Good day to you, sir. Bestbigsby!

Producer: Bestbigsby, William.

jeffrubinjeffrubin: Update - I did not make the cut for World’s Dumbest Partiers. Streeter probably...

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 14:47:30 -0400

jeffrubinjeffrubin:

Update - I did not make the cut for World’s Dumbest Partiers. Streeter probably won’t admit it, but he appears briefly (although you might be confused because they spelled his last name wrong). Todd Bridges and Danny Bonaduche show up several times.

I did make a brief appearance sandwiched between Bonaduche and Bridges I think. Also, they most certainly did spell my last name wrong (“Siedell”). Thanks?

Nicotine vs Brain

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 12:24:04 -0400

Brain: These are bad for me.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: They're polluting my body.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: The simple fact is that I can live without them.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: I don't need...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: Yeah, but...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: I...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: Fine!

*smokes cigarette*

Brain: There. Now I'll just stop and...
Nicotine: Shut up.

Simplified Politics

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:27:46 -0400

The difference between Republicans and Democrats in social policy is as simple as this: Republicans want to choose how you live your life, Democrats want you to live your life how you choose.

The Asterisk and the I

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 08:21:00 -0400

It was three in the morning and Asterisk was sound asleep in his modest home. In the darkness, his phone jolted to life, ringing and vibrating loudly on his nightstand. Asterisk’s eyes snapped open as this cacophonous symphony wrenched him from sleep. Reluctantly, he felt around the nightstand and picked up. “Hello?” he grumbled.

“You gotta help me, man,” pleaded the voice on the other line.

“I’m sorry, who is this?” Asterisk asked. It was late and the voice was unfamiliar.

“It’s I. You know, the letter,” said the voice. He hadn’t heard from I in a long time. They had once been close, but that was long ago. I, being a proper letter, had always kept Asterisk at a distance. And as much as Asterisk yearned to be a letter in his younger years, he had lived a happy enough life with his fellow glyphs.

“It’s three in the morning, I.” Asterisk said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and flicking on a light.

“I know, I’m sorry,” I said, “but I didn’t know where else to turn. I called Dash and he didn’t pick up. I tried At Symbol, Exclamation Point, Ampersand, all of them. I even called Space, but it’s like he’s not even there. Believe me, man, I didn’t want to bring you into this. I…I just…”

“No, no. I’m happy to help. Do you need a footnote or something? Did you try the Superscripts?”

“It’s not that,” I said. “I wish it were that,” he added with a touch of remorse.

“Oh, do you need me to add emphasis? Is Italic not around or something?”

“No…no. It’s uh…” I paused. Asterisk could hear him take a deep breath, as if the air gave him courage for what was to come next. “I need you to get in the middle of something bad for me, man. I just can’t be seen here, not like that, at least. I’m so sorry.”

It was silent as Asterisk slowly hung up the phone. I may have said goodbye, Asterisk has stopped listening.

“Sh*t.”